I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
