last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We have started to decorate penises.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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