jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
