I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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