That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
