Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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