last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
