if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
