Your mouth is God's brothel.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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