I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
