I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
