I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
