My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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