i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
How external is "for external use only"?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
