I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
