Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
