she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
