My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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