Just fell off a train. Bad.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
