I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
