dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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