I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
