I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just gift wrapped bread.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
