The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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