you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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