I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
