Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
