I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
