Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
