Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
