i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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