It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
