I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
