he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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