1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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