ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
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