We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
