3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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