I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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