pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
