I wish I only lived at night.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
