Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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