I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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