Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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