I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
