nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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