You can't special order awesome
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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