dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
