I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
