Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
