I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
